PHOTO PROMPT © Danny Bowman
The sun set, after a journey that had started with mine. Apparently the sun, as my love, decided to play hide and seek with me, hiding behind those hills. The sun would return tomorrow. What about her?
“You? Here? How did you find this place?” she uttered through shock.
“I can’t lose you”
“I… can’t come back.”
“Hiding in the middle of nowhere doesn’t change anything, Asha. Yes, we lost everything. But it was our doing, not yours. There are always second chances for those who believe. Stop punishing yourself like this!”
Asha’s tears drenched the parched land. I entered.
Word count: 100
Flash Fiction in response to Friday Fictioneers hosted by the lovely Rochelle Wisoff.
Thought trail 
Overall, a complete story. Maybe the ending could be improved, “I entered,” somehow seems incomplete or not strong enough. Maybe “But she still closed the door” or something else on those lines might have summarized the flash fiction better. But then again, that’s my preference, it’s your story so ultimately it’s your decision. It’s just a suggestion.
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Thank you, Nitesh! Actually, I did struggle with the ending and to fit it in within 100 words. Thank you for the inputs. Will certainly look at making this better.
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Well, I’ll give a feedback whenever you do. 🙂
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🙂
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The story works well, and it has a very good structure. You use a clever device when you answer “How did you find this place?” with …“I can’t lose you” You tell us plenty about the characters, which develop through the story. The story arc is satisfyingly longer than the written story, starting before the action and continuing after it – it leaves us with all sorts of questions which personally I think are the heart of flash fiction.
So, very well done.
I wonder, though, whether the first paragraph could be made clearer; what do you think?
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:). That’s the pitfall right. I wanted to blend in imagery. Perhaps it seems forced? Thank you, Penny, for the feedback.
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You’re very welcome, Fluid Phrase. I liked the story, just found the opening paragraph a little confusing. I’ve probably read too many stories since my last coffee!
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Hahaha! 🙂
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I particularly liked the first para and the parallels drawn 🙂 Although I was bit confused with the end – ‘i entered’ It sort of broke the flow and made me think of perhaps parallel worlds, life and death. Was that the intention?
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Thank you, Dahlia! Actually, it is a mistake on my part. I ran of words literally! Needed to somehow convey that the conversation continues inside.
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Dear FP,
Like Dahlia, I thought this was a conversation between two parallel worlds. I understand about running out of words. It is a challenge. 😉 Nicely done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Yeah. Sometimes it gets the better of us. Thank you for the kind words.
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Story goes well with the imagery. Open for all sorts of perception,I feel.
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Thank you, Indira! 🙂
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