Yes. There has a been a break. It has been 4 months. Of course, I can offer reasons for my absence. Getting back into the grind of things after the medical shake-up; multiple family events (and hence commitments); multiple deliverables at the office and the list goes on. They are all true.
However, I can also admit the TRUTH.
Convincing ourselves of the ‘facts’ like those listed above is easy. It lets us get on with life as we know it; helps us to remain firmly seated in our comfort zone; tells us that we are fine individuals trying to do our best given the circumstances. Essentially, it lets us feed the illusion that keeps us happy. It is also the illusion that holds us back.
On the other hand, accepting truths, bitter ones, about ourselves is a painful process that involves introspection, detachment from the situation, brutal honesty, coming to terms with our limitations or mistakes and finally, forgiving ourselves. Often, this means we will be harsh and critical of ourselves, refusing to take courage that we will not fail the next time we try, sometimes preventing ourselves from trying again. When we realize, we will never know if we never even try, perhaps we will also find the courage to try.
How about then, coming out with the truth and telling the entire world about it? Letting yourself be judged, truly for who you are? That takes a different kind of strength; one that doesn’t seek approval from without but from within. The one that says “I am ashamed. Yes. But I will try again because that is the only thing I can do.”
So what is that TRUTH about which I am making such a lot of fuss? The truth is that I could have written, at least on some days, but I did not – because of inertia. Writing and reading are passions of mine – of course! However, if there is a break, for whatever reason, there falls a wedge, a chasm, that gets wider and wider as time progresses. It is like an avalanche. A rock starts to fall as a natural process (like the medical situation). In itself, it is not that dangerous. However, as it rolls, it turns into this dangerous, all destroying force. The gnawing feeling of inadequacy, the urge to break the monotony and live the passion are all there. But they are still powerless against the mass of rolling inertia. The mass needs to break and dissipate against a bigger force, the inertia needs to be surmounted by the will.
Nothing very dramatic. I know. But it is also very real. The reality of limiting ourselves, not because we lack passion but because we say “I will do it tomorrow”. All of us do this in one aspect or the other. We continue to live in the illusion that we will truly get to it tomorrow. If we don’t get to it today when we can, we probably won’t get to it tomorrow either.
I am not sure how I managed to overcome the inertia. I took a break without doing anything at all for 2 full days. That probably naturally reset my system and my passion trumped the inertia finally. Thankfully.
We all then need to ask ourselves – what resets my system? A talk from a motivational speaker? A chat with a best friend? Rest and distance (like me)?
Or is a reset really required? What if you just did what you want to do, make a beginning, without really thinking about it? Chances are, you will love it so much, you will “just” do it again tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that……
Thought trail 