Reset

Yes. There has a been a break. It has been 4 months. Of course, I can offer reasons for my absence. Getting back into the grind of things after the medical shake-up; multiple family events (and hence commitments); multiple deliverables at the office and the list goes on. They are all true.

However, I can also admit the TRUTH.

Convincing ourselves of the ‘facts’ like those listed above is easy. It lets us get on with life as we know it; helps us to remain firmly seated in our comfort zone; tells us that we are fine individuals trying to do our best given the circumstances. Essentially, it lets us feed the illusion that keeps us happy.  It is also the illusion that holds us back.

On the other hand, accepting truths, bitter ones, about ourselves is a painful process that involves introspection, detachment from the situation, brutal honesty, coming to terms with our limitations or mistakes and finally, forgiving ourselves. Often, this means we will be harsh and critical of ourselves, refusing to take courage that we will not fail the next time we try, sometimes preventing ourselves from trying again. When we realize, we will never know if we never even try, perhaps we will also find the courage to try.

How about then, coming out with the truth and telling the entire world about it? Letting yourself be judged, truly for who you are? That takes a different kind of strength; one that doesn’t seek approval from without but from within. The one that says “I am ashamed. Yes. But I will try again because that is the only thing I can do.”

So what is that TRUTH about which I am making such a lot of fuss? The truth is that I could have written, at least on some days, but I did not – because of inertia. Writing and reading are passions of mine – of course! However, if there is a break, for whatever reason, there falls a wedge, a chasm, that gets wider and wider as time progresses. It is like an avalanche. A rock starts to fall as a natural process (like the medical situation). In itself, it is not that dangerous. However, as it rolls, it turns into this dangerous, all destroying force. The gnawing feeling of inadequacy, the urge to break the monotony and live the passion are all there. But they are still powerless against the mass of rolling inertia. The mass needs to break and dissipate against a bigger force, the inertia needs to be surmounted by the will.

Nothing very dramatic. I know. But it is also very real. The reality of limiting ourselves, not because we lack passion but because we say “I will do it tomorrow”. All of us do this in one aspect or the other. We continue to live in the illusion that we will truly get to it tomorrow. If we don’t get to it today when we can, we probably won’t get to it tomorrow either.

I am not sure how I managed to overcome the inertia. I took a break without doing anything at all for 2 full days. That probably naturally reset my system and my passion trumped the inertia finally. Thankfully.

We all then need to ask ourselves – what resets my system? A talk from a motivational speaker? A chat with a best friend? Rest and distance (like me)?

Or is a reset really required? What if you just did what you want to do, make a beginning, without really thinking about it? Chances are, you will love it so much, you will “just” do it again tomorrow, and the day after and the day after that……

My escape

He would kill me if he found me. But this wasn’t living either. I made my decision. I wouldn’t be controlled by that Leviathan beast of fear anymore.

 I walked to the door. 


This time, I was late for submission to YeahWrite’s monthly Microprose challenge. That doesn’t stop me from posting it here though. :).

Details of the challenge:

Your task this week is to write a story in exactly 33 words incorporating the word leviathan, specifically the third definition “something large or formidable (that leviathan of international corporations)”

Convincing Suma

“You really should seek help you know.” I begin, being the responsible elder sister and all.

“Yeah… I know.” she drags, looking into her uneaten dinner plate, into a plate of pain.

“Suma. This is no joke ok? Look at you! Look at how much weight you have lost this last month. You don’t eat. You don’t even get a night’s worth of restful sleep. How long can you sustain like this?”

More staring at the plate with more melancholy writ on the face. Time to step up the game.

“Sigh… Look dear. You know I mean well… I have been through this myself. Trying to ignore it will not make the pain go away.”

“I KNOW Akka. But YOU don’t know what I am going through. What is it for you? You are brave. You could do it. I am not, ok? I can’t. I just can’t!”

Say something. Quick!

“It’s not like that at all! Courage is not something you are born with. It is what you acquire over time. Every time you face your fears you get more courageous.” Wow! Where did those words of wisdom come from? And at such an opportune moment. Certainly, this should change her mind?

“Pfft.”

Ok. Obviously, wisdom didn’t work. Try compassion?

“Suma, I understand you are scared… Will you feel better if I come with you? I can take time off from college you know. It’s ok by me.”

Some melting evident. Hey! Good job! But don’t look too happy just yet.

“Come on! I can only do so much. YOU have to do the rest. Believe me, it is not as bad as you think it is. Just imagine… You will be out of this misery you seem to have gotten yourself into and enjoy life as before. You will be yourself again. ”

Oh, some change! Ok. Look serious. Look like you mean it. Don’t lose it now!

“Ok, Akka… I guess I do have to do something about it…. Tomorrow is ok?”

“Perfect.”

She clutches my hand as sweat peeps out on her forehead. “I am so, SO scared,” she whispers, fear overpowering her.

“Don’t worry. It’ll be ok” I reassure her as I guide her into the dentist’s clinic.